Communication Skills 101

by Steven Kessler, MFT,  EFT Expert & Trainer

Throughout the process, take responsibility for managing your own feeling state.

Asking for what you want

  • deal with only 1 issue at a time
  • be specific and personal
  • state clearly what behavior you want them to do
  • end with “Would you do that for me?”

 When Talking

  • state facts
  • state your personal feelings
  • use "I statements"

-- no "you statements"

-- no blaming

-- no attacks

-- no name-calling

-- no interpretations of the other person’s actions

When Listening

  • invite them to tell you about it

-- do not discount their feelings; this is their experience

-- for the moment, put aside agreeing or disagreeing

-- your purpose is to understand and show that you understand

-- feeling understood will calm your partner’s anger and fear

  • clarify by asking questions
  • restate what they said, ending with “Is that right?”